whathastobedone | For Jack Bauer -- a MM thread

For Jack Bauer -- a MM thread

She can feel it slipping through her fingers. Everything. All of it. Vladimir has called every contact he could possibly think of, and none of them know anything about the nuclear rods.

"Well, somebody that you've already talked to has to know something!"

"Renee, it's done."

No. No, it's not done. It can't be done. Jack's sitting downstairs waiting for this information; all of CTU is counting on her to find these rods, and if it's done that means the mission is over. Jack will pull her out, and she'll go back to...

What?

"We made five million."

"Why settle for five when we could have fifty?"

He laughs, and just looking at him makes her sick to her stomach, but then he's touching her and it's all she can do to keep her cool -- keep her cover. She smiles at him, hands on his waist like the thought of his body against hers doesn't repulse her, and tries to think.

"Five million is plenty. Plus, we have each other. That's not so bad, is it?"

"No, it's not bad," she smiles. "But it could be better!"

And then she moves, trying not to run but keeping her steps quick as she goes for his phone.

"Call them again. Do it for me."

Please.

Please.

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She can't help but tip her face into his touch, letting out a breath of relief. Her skin is still damp from washing away tears and blood, but gentleness is such a relief to her right now she can't even think about stepping away.

She uncurls her hand from the back of her neck, crossing her arm over her chest to carefully touch his knuckles, letting her palm rest against his wrist.

"You're right, you know. I'm not the same person I was the last time you saw me. But I want to be."

She squeezes his palm.

You make me want to be.

"I want to be. I'm just ... so tired."

"I know," he says softly, brushing her hair back again, "I know."

He wants to hold her, but he's not sure how comfortable she'll be with that. Earlier, she'd probably been too busy sobbing to notice, needing the hug more than anything. That's not the case right now.

"Anytime you want to lean on me, I'm good for it, you know that, right?" he asks, moving his hand to her shoulder, his other hand still resting on her arm.

She glances down and nods, a wry smirk curling one corner of her mouth.

"Yeah. Even when you've got a hole in your side?"

"Yeah," he says, returning the smile. "It's not the first. Besides, I figure you could probably use a hug, but I don't want to do anything yo're not comfortable with."

"I'm not the one who just had impromptu surgery."

But she knows what he's getting at (she just can't bring herself to acknowledge it). So, she takes the first step forward, hands carefully trailing along his arms until they come, featherlight, to his ribcage.

"I don't want to hurt you," she whispers.

"I've still got a couple hours before the local anaesthetic wears off. Maybe you should take advantage of not being able to hurt me while you still can," he says, teasing.

He slides his hand around her back, gently pulling her toward him for a hug with a whispered, "c'mere." He's careful to keep every movement a suggestion, not an order, though, giving her enough room to back away if she wants.

She breathes a quiet, watery laugh when he teases her.

"Think I've done enough for one day."

She eases into his embrace, in control of both the speed and the closeness, for which she's completely grateful for; but it's the gentle pressure of the hand at her back that she concentrates on. It reminds her both that he's really here, and that he cares.

She rests her forehead on his shoulder, hands in fists that linger just shy of touching him, but arms nonetheless snug around his middle.

"Thank you," she murmurs against his jacket.

"It's what I'm here for," he says, drinking in the feel of her in his arms.

He hadn't realized how much he missed holding someone and being held until the day he met her, when he'd hugged Kim and when Renee had gathered him in her arms. As he'd tried to fight the twitches and trembles caused by the prions' destruction, she'd wrapped her arms around him, a kind of support he hadn't felt in years and had thought he was long past needing.

Now he'd like to return the favor. Not that it's much of a chore on his part.

"It's gonna be okay, Renee," he whispers into her hair. "I know you're tired, but it's gonna be okay."

Edited 2010-02-21 02:41 (UTC)

She indulges in the embrace -- something she hadn't been able to do in CTU, when she was just so surprised to see him there, or back in Laitanan's office. Now, she's just holding him, and it doesn't matter why, or what's going on, or where they are. All that matters is she feels safe for the first time all night, and that's not something she ever wants to let go of.

"I'm so sorry, Jack," she says, even as she soaks in his warmth, breathing in his leather and sweat cologne. "I should have listened to you. I shouldn't have pushed you away."

"It's all right," he says, gently rubbing her back. "I can't fault you for doing something I did for years."

He'd spent so much time pushing other people away and holding them at a distance, he'd almost forgotten how to let anyone in, how to get close to anyone. It had taken Renee to start breaking down the walls he'd put up.

"But with so much at stake..."

She tips her face toward the crook of his neck, and if not for the way her hands are curled so tight he might have been able to notice the tremble in her fingertips.

"All the lives I might have ruined tonight..."

Including her own.

"But you didn't. You can only work with what you have, not the maybes or the might-have-beens. And right now what we've got are more leads and some Russian mobsters that will never be able to hurt anyone ever again."

Which isn't quite accurate; he knows that the memories she has will hurt her for a long time. Hopefully not forever, though.

He's practically reading her mind, there. She's very aware of what she's done, and in a short time, so will a whole department of law enforcement.

And she has a feeling that they won't think it's quite the score for the good guys as Jack makes it sound.

"When CTU finds out--"

"Finds out what? That Laitanan lashed out at you when you tried to get more information out of him and you stabbed him in self-defense? They're going to get back to the business of tracking down the leads, end of story."

He knows it's not quite that simple; the number of stab wounds on the body is going to look bad. There are going to be questions about whether she just snapped, and chances are, there's going to be some people who are going to brush away her reasons for doing what she did.

Jack just hopes he doesn't have to meet any of them face to face, because he might have to hurt them.

"But the body--"

She pulls back a little so she can see his face, even with the dampness at the corners of her eyes she'd rather hide.

"Jack, when they see him, they'll know."

Jack cups her face in his hands to try and keep her from looking away. Again, it's not a forceful grasp; she can back off if she wants to.

"Renee, listen to me," he says, speaking softly but with a thread of steel in his voice. "Laitanan put you in the hospital before. There was no reason for you to think that he wouldn't kill you. You stabbed him in self-defense, and you didn't stop when he was dead because you were scared, and because of what he'd done to you. That doesn't change that you were protecting yourself. That's what they're going to see, and that's what you're going to tell them, because that's what happened."

It's that last part that he's worried about; CTU is going to want to debrief her, and if she second-guesses herself, they're going to get the wrong impression. She needs to believe in herself more than he does.

She grimaces when he dredges up memories of what happened before, but doesn't pull away. She does blink hard, though, dampness snaking to her cheeks.

"I don't know," she says, sucking in a trembling breath.

"I do," he says, firmly. "If anyone wants to ask you questions about that, I'll be right there with you to answer them. Okay?"

She frowns, searching out his strong eyes, but his confidence doesn't seem to waver. She sniffles quietly, and nods slowly.

"Okay," she whispers, touching his collarbone.

The longer she looks at him, the more sure she feels.

"Okay."

"Okay," he says, nodding. "Do you want to stay here for a while longer, or do you think you're ready to head back out there?"

She tips her head to one side in a half shrug, brow still furrowed because she isn't sure she knows.

But then she replays his words -- I'll be right there with you to answer them. Okay? -- and she nods, bolstered.

"I think ... I think I'm ready."

She reaches for his forearm, and gives it a light squeeze.

"Okay, if you think so," he says, briefly covering her hand with his. Then he backs away, gesturing for her to go ahead of him toward the door.

She takes a deep breath and nods, runs her hand over her hair, and moves for the door.

Her body moves languidly, head held not quite as high as normal, but she knows he's right behind her -- and that helps.

He follows her out, gently placing a hand on her back as they walk, but letting her set the pace as they head downstairs.

Reaching the door out of the bar, he grabs the knob, then stops, looking at Renee. "You ready?"

One fist is still curled into the cloth that she picked up in Jack's room, and she's picking at it fretfully when he stops. She meets his eyes, but only briefly. Her focus is on the knob.

"Yes."

Her voice isn't as strong as she'd like, so she clears her throat and tries again.

"I'm ready."

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