For Jack Bauer -- a MM thread

[whathastobedone]

She can feel it slipping through her fingers. Everything. All of it. Vladimir has called every contact he could possibly think of, and none of them know anything about the nuclear rods.

"Well, somebody that you've already talked to has to know something!"

"Renee, it's done."

No. No, it's not done. It can't be done. Jack's sitting downstairs waiting for this information; all of CTU is counting on her to find these rods, and if it's done that means the mission is over. Jack will pull her out, and she'll go back to...

What?

"We made five million."

"Why settle for five when we could have fifty?"

He laughs, and just looking at him makes her sick to her stomach, but then he's touching her and it's all she can do to keep her cool -- keep her cover. She smiles at him, hands on his waist like the thought of his body against hers doesn't repulse her, and tries to think.

"Five million is plenty. Plus, we have each other. That's not so bad, is it?"

"No, it's not bad," she smiles. "But it could be better!"

And then she moves, trying not to run but keeping her steps quick as she goes for his phone.

"Call them again. Do it for me."

Please.



Please.

Comments

[whathastobedone]

Renee doesn't interject with anything as Jack and the doctor speak, but at the mention of CTU handling things once they're back, her mind once again wanders to Vladimir's hole-ridden body.

She's sitting with her forearms on her knees, hands still clasped together loosely, and now her eyes are unfocused and distant as she thinks about the fallout waiting for her back out there.

It should be obvious to those who know her what she's thinking of, just by the glassy-eyed expression and frown on her face. The voices in the room fade out of existence.

[trigger_man]

Jack's not so dopey that he doesn't notice Renee staring into space absently.

"Renee?" he asks, hopefully just loudly enough to get her attention. "You sure you don't need some rest?"

[whathastobedone]

"I'll be fine," she murmurs, voice small and automatic, like her response was more of a reflex than anything.

[trigger_man]

Jack doesn't say anything as Cottle finishes up, sternly reminding Jack not to even think of going anywhere for a while yet. He might trust Cottle, but there are some things he doesn't need to overhear.

"Renee? Come here for a minute," he says, holding out a hand to her.

[whathastobedone]

She blinks herself out of her reverie, noticing for the first time that the doctor has left the room. Her eyes go from the door to Jack's hand, and she picks herself up and walks over to him, eyes wandering the suture site.

"Do you need something? Are you comfortable?"

[trigger_man]

"I'm fine. I wasn't kidding when I said I wasn't feeling any pain," he says with a weak smile. "All I need is for you to try and focus. I know it's difficult, but we've still got a few things to do out there."

[whathastobedone]

She absorbs his words carefully, pursing her lips in thought. She doesn't look focused -- she doesn't feel focused -- but that doesn't stop her from assuring him she is.

(Forget the way her eyes never quite meet his.)

"I'll ... I'll get through it."

[trigger_man]

She doesn't sound any more certain about that than he is.

"CTU's going to have questions about what happened. You sure you don't want to take the chance to rest now? Or is it that you don't think you could?"

He may not know everything she's been through, but he knows what it's like to not be able to escape persistent thoughts and memories. He knows what it's like to have them attack even more fiercely every time you close your eyes and try to get some sleep or try to relax, until that's the last thing you want to do.

[whathastobedone]

It's that knowledge that simultaneously makes her want to resist him, and cling to him for comfort. Knowing he knows brings both a sense of fear -- like she's exposed herself to him -- and a feeling of companionship (you're not alone in this).

It's thus conflicted that she chooses to deflect the question, rather than give him a straight answer.

"Do you want to rest?"

[trigger_man]

"You didn't answer my question," he says, though he gives her a small smile as he says it. "But no. I actually had a short nap before any of this started."

He doesn't say anything for a moment before he adds, softly, "You don't have to do this alone, Renee."

He'd tried, and it hadn't worked out very well for him.

[whathastobedone]

Her eyes slowly shift to his when he answers. She shakes her head.

"I'll be all right, then."

Her gaze falls away again, when he murmurs his closing words. She squeezes her eyes shut for a brief moment, drawing in a deep breath.

"You don't have to do this, Jack."

[trigger_man]

"I know I don't," he says, reaching for her hand. "I want to, though."

[whathastobedone]

She furrows her brow and frowns, slowly shaking her head before she finds the words to speak.

"Why?"

She wraps her fingers around his hand.

"I could've killed you."

[trigger_man]

"You didn't, and like I said before, it was an accident." He squeezes her hand. "I want you to be happy again, Renee, and I want to help. I've been worried about you. I...I care about you."

[whathastobedone]

"I don't know how to get to that place," she blurts, voice soft and riddled with emotion. Tears are pricking the backs of her eyes, turning his skin and bedsheets hazy around the edges. "I don't know how to be happy again. I thought this--I thought doing this would help, but I've only made a bigger mess of things."

She grimaces, trying to hold back her emotions. She doesn't even notice the way her grip has gone tighter around his hand, her heart aching when he tells her that he cares. She isn't sure what to say to that (maybe that's why you never picked up the phone), so she's forced to settle for silent, helpless tears.

[trigger_man]

"You haven't," he says, reaching up to brush a tear from her cheek. "We're further ahead than we were a couple hours ago. Laitanan made all those calls because of you, and every one of them is a new lead."

He squeezes her hand again. "I know you're not the same person you were the last time I saw you. Neither am I. But the one thing that hasn't changed is that if you decide you're going to do something, you don't let anything stop you. You might not know how to start and it might not be easy, but if you really want to rebuild your life, I know you're going to do it."

[whathastobedone]

His touch, and the reassurance that she has done something to help this investigation, calms her down somewhat. She refocuses on his eyes, concentrating on the strength there, brow knitted with hundreds of questions and worries buried beneath the surface.



"How?" she whispers with a slight shake of her head. "It's been over a year since the last time we saw each other; why do you care? What makes you think I can do this?"

[trigger_man]

"I gave you ever encouragement to just walk away from this mission, and you didn't; you were determined to see it through, for whatever reason. Though this time it'd probably be good to put that single-mindedness toward something that's not likely to get you killed."

[whathastobedone]

Her lips move in what might be a smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes. She doesn't say anything; for a long time she just looks at him, like a broken china doll, struggling to breathe.

And then she turns, and walks away.





Returning a moment later with her chair. She settles herself next to him, slipping one hand underneath his and another over, trying not to compare the blood on their skin when she starts to brush her thumb over his knuckles.

[trigger_man]

He sits up a little in surprise when she turns and walks away, but lies back once he realizes she's getting the chair.

It feels good to have her sitting next to him, holding his hand. It's a feeling he doesn't want to lose, though he knows they're going to have to move as soon as his head clears.

"Earlier you mentioned that I was ready to die after I got infected, that I was resigned to it. Do you know why?"

Some of his memories of that day are still a little hazy, though he's pretty sure he wouldn't have told her that. He's not entirely sure why he's saying this much now, other than the possibility that the drugs are loosening his tongue.

[whathastobedone]

"Relax."

He doesn't do enough of that, especially when he's wounded. Hell, even she is sitting heavy in her seat with nothing more than a slow forming bruise on her face, and a tears-induced headache behind her eyes.

She needs him to be okay.

She glances at his face when he speaks, carefully searching him out. Eventually, she shakes her head, swallowing tightly with the memory of that conversation.

[trigger_man]

"Because I was tired," he says softly, reaching for her hand again. "Tired of always fighting and of losing the people I cared about. When I got back from China, the only reason I was still alive was because I wanted my death to have some meaning. It took me a long time to even start trying to find a way for my life to have some meaning. When I found out I was infected...it just seemed like I could finally let go. Especially as I thought, at first, that I didn't have anyone to leave behind."

[whathastobedone]

"You have your daughter," she whispers, a deep frown on her face. "And your granddaughter. Jack, you have a family. And friends who care about you. Chloe."

She pauses, wondering if her next words will mean anything to him or not.

"And me. I care about you."

[trigger_man]

It does mean something to him; it means quite a lot, actually. Partly because it might help her to have something to lose. Partly because he still has so few people he's close to that one more makes a difference. But mainly, it's because he cares about her, and knowing she reciprocates warms something inside him.

And because of that, he gives her something she's probably never seen from him: an honest, real smile.

"I know that now; I didn't then. I didn't even know about Teri until I came out of the coma. But when I did, it made all the difference. It makes everything else easier to live with."

[whathastobedone]

She watches his face -- watches the way the corners of his eyes crinkle, the color of those irises seeming to glint, like soft and unsure rays of sunlight breaking through storm clouds -- surprised by the genuineness of his smile, and the way the corner of her mouth quirks in response.

It isn't an expression she's seen before, and it fills her with something she desperately needs right now: a sense of ease. Her thumb moves over his knuckles again.

"It was worth it," she murmurs, "having to go behind your back. Hearing you say that. Part of me was afraid, when you called. That you were angry with me still, for getting Kim involved."