For Jack Bauer -- a MM thread

[whathastobedone]

She can feel it slipping through her fingers. Everything. All of it. Vladimir has called every contact he could possibly think of, and none of them know anything about the nuclear rods.

"Well, somebody that you've already talked to has to know something!"

"Renee, it's done."

No. No, it's not done. It can't be done. Jack's sitting downstairs waiting for this information; all of CTU is counting on her to find these rods, and if it's done that means the mission is over. Jack will pull her out, and she'll go back to...

What?

"We made five million."

"Why settle for five when we could have fifty?"

He laughs, and just looking at him makes her sick to her stomach, but then he's touching her and it's all she can do to keep her cool -- keep her cover. She smiles at him, hands on his waist like the thought of his body against hers doesn't repulse her, and tries to think.

"Five million is plenty. Plus, we have each other. That's not so bad, is it?"

"No, it's not bad," she smiles. "But it could be better!"

And then she moves, trying not to run but keeping her steps quick as she goes for his phone.

"Call them again. Do it for me."

Please.



Please.

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[whathastobedone]

She watches his face -- watches the way the corners of his eyes crinkle, the color of those irises seeming to glint, like soft and unsure rays of sunlight breaking through storm clouds -- surprised by the genuineness of his smile, and the way the corner of her mouth quirks in response.

It isn't an expression she's seen before, and it fills her with something she desperately needs right now: a sense of ease. Her thumb moves over his knuckles again.

"It was worth it," she murmurs, "having to go behind your back. Hearing you say that. Part of me was afraid, when you called. That you were angry with me still, for getting Kim involved."

[trigger_man]

Jack shakes his head. "The main reason I didn't want Kim to go through with it was the small risk to her, and the likelihood that it wasn't going to work. I didn't want her to watch me die; not like that."

He pauses for a moment, almost mentioning his conversation with Gohar before Macer had put him under. He doesn't, though. He's not sure he can describe just why he began to forgive himself for all the things he'd done at that moment, and he's not sure it'll be of any help to Renee.

"When I woke up, it was already done, and when Kim told me about Teri... It made a difference, knowing that I might survive, and that I had a granddaughter. It made me realize that I wanted my life back, and I was willing to do whatever it took to get it."

[whathastobedone]

She listens to him quietly, nodding her understanding when he speaks about Kim. She's happy for him -- for them. She's happy it worked out, and he made it through. The thought of him dying like that, even if he died as a hero, horrified her.

(It still does.)

But his closing words, no matter how happy she is for him, and no matter how strong he thinks she is, still stabs her with a quiet grief. She stares hard at some invisible spot on the hospital bed, and frowns wordlessly.

She has no family; not like he does. Nothing to go back to. Even if she managed to get back on her feet, she won't go back to the bureau, even if they ask her. Larry's dead. Janice hardly speaks to her. She has nothing.

"I...I care about you."



Nothing except for this moment.

[trigger_man]

He sees her expression change, of course, and squeezes her hand.

"What is it?" he asks, though he has a fairly good idea.

[whathastobedone]

She purses her lips, shaking her head slowly (keeping her eyes down).

"I'm real happy you had that, Jack."

[trigger_man]

"But?" he asks. He's prodding more than he usually would, but he has a feeling that if he doesn't, Renee's never going to tell him what she's really thinking.

[whathastobedone]

"No buts," she murmurs, glancing up at him.

She returns the tender squeeze of his hand.

"It's just ... I don't have anything like that." She thinks about that for a moment. "I have nothing to show for myself. All I had was the job."

[trigger_man]

He gives her a lopsided smile. "You've got me, for what it's worth."

[whathastobedone]

She returns the crooked grin, though brief and thin it is.

"You'll be in California soon. With a daughter who'll be angry as hell that you got yourself another scar."

[trigger_man]

"She doesn't have to know; and she won't, unless someone tells her," he says, giving her a significant look.

[whathastobedone]

She lets out a slow breath -- it might be an attempt at a laugh.

"My lips are sealed. So long as you give yourself time to heal up right."

Without really thinking about it, she reaches up to his collar, fussing with a stain that may or may not be just her imagination.

[trigger_man]

"Maybe I'll have to stick around New York for a while, then. I wouldn't want to go out west to early and give it away."

[whathastobedone]

Her eyes shift to his, searching him out with silent question.

[trigger_man]

"Maybe at least a couple days, just to make sure everything's fine. Or I could spend it in here, and then I wouldn't lose any time out there."

Of course Renee might not be staying in here, which is really what he's thinking. He doesn't want to seem like he's babysitting her, but then he doesn't really want to take off for the other side of the country and leave her either.

[whathastobedone]

She arches her eyebrows and blinks.

"Stay ... here? In the infirmary? I didn't think you were much of a good patient."

[trigger_man]

"No, upstairs. There are rooms for people to stay in up there. There are some people that live here, some people that come in and have the door temporarily disappear so they can't leave, and...well, some people are dead and can't leave until they're ready to move on."

[whathastobedone]

She would have remarked on there being rooms above a bar, wondering aloud yet again just what sort of place this is to have an infirmary and a veritable hotel attached to it. But those words never quite make it past her lips.

She blinks at him, and then her eyes go slightly wide.

"Some people ... what?"

[trigger_man]

"A small number of people come here for a while after they die," Jack says, a little tentatively. "It seems like it's often people who aren't quite ready to go...wherever they go just yet. People who deserve the time."

He's hoping that'll be enough to keep her from fearing that Laitanan will be in the bar. Laitanan better not come in here or, rules or no rules, Jack isn't sure he'll be able to stop himself from taking his own revenge.

[whathastobedone]

Renee blinks hard, and turns her head away to try and process that information.

It's about as hard as one might expect. Especially given everything.

She lets go of Jack's hand, and presses her hands to either side of her head.

"Oh my god. I am completely unstable," she mutters, wondering if this is supposed to be heaven or hell, and why, of all the things, she's put herself here.

[trigger_man]

Jack sits up slowly, his head feeling a little fuzzier for the change in blood pressure, but not feeling any pain at least. He reaches out and puts his hands over hers, trying to gently pull them away from her face.

"Renee? Renee, look at me."

[whathastobedone]

She resists for a brief moment, before reluctantly allowing him to take her hands. She shuts her eyes again -- tightly -- and shakes her head.

But she does look at him, eventually.

"This can't be real," she whispers, her voice small and faraway. "A psychotic break. That's what this is. A total loss of contact with reality; a paranoid delusion. Christ, I just killed a man and now I'm in a magic bar filled with dead people!"

[trigger_man]

Her terminology sounds a bit too clinical for him to believe that she just grabbed the words off the top of her head.

"Renee, I know it's hard to believe, but you're not having a breakdown, you're not hallucinating this. Look at me, do I look real?" He cradles her cheek with his hand, his thumb tracing the pattern of freckles on her cheekbone. "Does this feel real?"

[whathastobedone]

She swallows thickly when her throat suddenly starts to feel too tight, pale eyes gone glassy.


She searches him out silently, and nods.


(He's the most real thing in her life right now.)

[trigger_man]

"Okay. Even if you don't feel like you can trust your eyes, you can trust me," he says gently. Brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, he adds, "How about we go out there, I'll call CTU and get them started on searching for leads, and then I'll take you home. Does that sound all right?"

[whathastobedone]

She keeps her eyes on his, trying to draw from his strength.

you can trust me.

It still takes her a minute to respond, though, and her conflicted emotions about going back out the door -- to Laitanan's office, to face CTU, to go back home -- shows on her face.

"What about--?"

Her hand falls to his waist, just south of his bandages.